Right now, I just want to die. Not going to kill myself, but the grief overwhelms me...it is shutting me down.

Trying to stay upbeat, but nothing is going my way. Maybe Ophelia is right, and I am a "cursed" person.
Two interviews today...was told that I am not "cute enough" to work in their restaurant.

Came home, drank a warm 40...maybe a nap will help.

Had a dream of Ophelia last night...she had cut her hair short like she has been talking about...Ann Heche short. God she was BEAUTIFUL!!!

I have no one to talk to.

Wednesday

Talked to Ophelia last night. Wasn't bad.

Basically, my unemployment makes her uneasy and she cannot commit to a man that she has to worry about. I guess commitment is different for some people. I told her I am going to get my stuff together, and then I want to re-investigate where we are, and if we can become one again. She said ok, but I wonder if she really meant it.
Trying to be positive. Like she said, 50% of the time our relationship is perfect, something you spend a lifetime looking for...the rest of the time, worries, doubts, and weirdness affect us both, which affects the other, which results in irrational behavior.

I love you Ophelia. I don't like this separation, but I know it must be done. I hope our paths connect again in a major way.

and so it begins...

So here I stand...my entire existence hanging by a thread.
To catch you up....

I was fired from my job the first week of December...apparently nobody wants to hire me.
Convicted of a DUI the 3rd week of December.
2 days ago, the girlfriend/woman of my dreams decided we needed a time out, because she is not sure what to do about us...we met on Labor Day of 2009, became a couple 3 weeks later. But, she has still not filed for divorce, and cannot handle a guy that is very emotional, very sweet and affectionate, and, according to her, plays the girl role in our relationship because she is so cold. And, there are the constant discussions about sex, because I have a very high sex drive and she has NONE (thanks Cymbalta!!).
My life sucks, and the desire to live, without her in my life, takes a steep nose dive.
I am 40, she is 45.
We have this inside joke, with accents, where we talk as a rich snobby couple. We become Lenwood and Ophelia Hamilton. Those names will suffice for us on here.

I will share my life and the daily bs that seems to attract to me...hopefully Ophelia will realize that we have a one in a million relationship, it is time for her to let go of her failed marriage, and, as she suggested on Thanksgiving, we should live together. As Yes said, Love will find a way.
Please walk with me...it is usually fun